There is so much in my head I don’t know what to do. I feel like a walking zombie anymore. I am just so overwhelmed all the time. I do not chose to be this way, to feel like this. I can not control it. I will be the first to admit im not perfect, I have anxiety and bad depression. I do not like not having control of my feelings. You do not chose to have mental problems it just happens. I sure did not choose it. Mental illness choose me. If i could flip the switch and be all better don’t people think i would have by now. Everytime I start to feel like I am digging out of the hole I am in I get knocked down again. I try to carry the world on my shoulders. I let everyone vent to me but I do not fully vent to anyone because I do not want to bother anyone with my issues. Sure, I know bottling things up is bad but it is worse feeling the guilt of venting to someone that I included them in my burdens of life. Depression does not mean suicidal. Suicidal thoughts does not mean your sucidal and would carry thru with anything. Mental illness is vastly misunderstood. People are put down every day for things they can not control. Example I can be perfectly fine one minute and literally 30 seconds letter I feel empty, alone, sad, unimportant, numb when nothing provoke the change it just happened. People with mental illness yes they are hard as hell to handle. People with mental illness need more love and support than most. People with mental illness are terrified of letting someone they love down, I know I am every single day. People with mental illness true mental illness do not want sympathy they want love and support. They need it but usually they will not ask you for it no matter how much they are drowning. Then there are the times when 2 people with mental illness are together which is very difficult. From my prospective I do not want to trigger his depression which can happen. But if it is trigger the true statement is how and who is going to find solid footing first and how much damage can be done until that is found. Mental illness is misunderstood made fun of even by people who have it. Mental illness has many different forms and stages you just can not give up. A statement I along with plenty of people struggle with. Life is a climb, a rollercoaster, a train ride. Sometimes things feel like they will not get better, that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am working on it myself but you have to keep going. I am not perfect but I try all the time. I do not like mental illness but who does. I do not like feeling numb. I hate mental illness.
You became my angel today.. No matter what I do I seem to fail you and your siblings . I just want to know why . why me. Why us. Why my fiancee. Why. Why no answers. Why the shots do not do the trick as they were said to. Just why. Never in a million years would I expect this for my life. Never would I wish this upon my worse enemy. Never . I want to know why. Why can it not be our turn yet . haven’t we worked hard enough . haven’t we cried , suffered, fought, spent enough . its been 5 years and 3 months. Ive lost 7 of my babies . 7 children I never got to hold, never got to touch, never got to hear their first word, never got to watch my fiancee bond with. I never got to do any of it! Why. I have pcos and I’m told if I were to take blood thinner injections nightly you would survive . I would get the thing I want the most in my life. The thing I dream of. The thing that comes so easy and natural to everyone else. Yes I wanted more then one child but at this point I’d be happy to just be able to have one alive with me to care for and love with all my heart. I did the nightly injections myself! My leg looks horrific! I took the medicine cabinet worth of pills like I was told to. I took it easy. I did everything I could and it still wasn’t enough! I still failed. My body failed my babies. It failed my children, me, and my fiancee. I did everything and still … Why.. I do not get it . I would do anything to have you. I would give my last breathe to tell you I love you and I’m sorry . I’m sorry I failed. I’m sorry I failed at the one single thing I was put on this planet to do. I couldn’t protect you no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t save you. I would trade my life if that meant you could have yours. The lines were getting darker .. I let myself get happy , excited. Your due date was the day after my dads. The meaning that had to me .. Now all I have is the marks from the injections , the bruises that will last who knows how long.. The daily test I took to check on you in my draw.. The picture on my phone that I can not bring myself to delete. You were there . You did what your siblings did not in your last few days. You gave me a taste of nausea morning sickness. You gave me food cravings . it gave me hope. But I knew what this awful pain meant. Then going to the bathroom to have blood everywhere. And not just blood, clots and clots of blood. I do not understand. I want a reason. A answer. I want you! I wanted all of you. Then watching how it destroys him. Telling him I lost another one of his children. Watching the pain fill him .. Consume him like it has me. The lines were getting darker as the days went on. Even with the last blood test so low I still had hope because your lines darken from the day before. I wish I knew why. I’m sorry . I’m sorry for failing you . I’m sorry for failing your siblings. I’m sorry for failing your father. My wounds just keep going deeper and deeper.. I do not think they will ever heal. Now I have to put on a fake face for everyone and everything. Now I get to deal with life without you. I do not want to do it. The pain is unlike anything . mentally I’m done . I have my moments I can distract my mind and be okay .. Then I remember the truth. I failed yet again. Id do anything to bring you back. Anything. Heaven gained 2 more angels tonight. I wish it wasn’t you. Rest in peace my baby. I pray I will see you and all your siblings one day. I miss you so much . part of me feels like I deserve this awful pain for failing you. I’m sorry . I wish I knew why. Why will haunt me for the rest of my life. I love you please know that ..
I have not wrote on here in quite awhile for many different reasons. One, a couple people know who I am now and I do not want judge, or make someone mad, or upset someone, or make anything weird or awkward and well all the above. Also, life has been just been hard for me. No I am not saying my life is harder then others but it is my own battle like everyone else has.
I am so tired of everything. I am tired of when I agree with people they are rude and snap at me. Hmm okay I was only agreeing with you not comparing. I am so tired of favorites. I am so tired of so many things. Hell maybe it is because I am no longer taking any anxiety / depression medicine. I don’t know. I know I need them cause I feel so numb, no “good” feelings anymore which I hate it. I can’t even process my thoughts anymore.
I started this post a few days ago but I have to vent for a moment then start writing again or I will start exploring.
I am a HUMAN, I deserve RESPECT! I am not your child, a piece of shit, no good, worthless person. I have ALWAYS treated you with RESPECT and I FUCKING want the same DAMN IT! The only reason why I have not said anything to your DISRESPECTFUL, ATTITUDE, ASSHOLE face is cause I am picking my battles. But I am almost done doing that.
Fuck you. You disrespectful asshole! I want nothing to do with you and you accusing me of false accusations!
12 days.. 12 flipping days of wondering, confusion, hope, worry. I do not know how much longer I can do this. 12 days… no signs of starting and now there it is. The evil thing that women who are trying get thrown in their face. The daily reminder well no the constant reminder your body failed yet again. I willing went back on my depression medicine on my birthday a couple months ago which my doctor just double my dose. Honestly I did not want my dose to go up but at this point I probably should just deal with it until I have answers why my body is failing. The women’s body is made for this so why wont mine work properly. I am so tired of the let down, the emails with results, the bad news. Hell telling my spouse I am sorry over and over and over again. A couple has to be strong to endure this and so far it has caused distant and some fights with tears but we are still together we still love each other. This post is not going any where I want it to but that happens. I have lost friends, family to this struggle. I have grown to envy so many people and even have hatred towards them. But it is not hatred at the fact their able to have what I have wanted my entire life, it is hatred that I still have been unable to have it myself, my spouse is still unable to have what he wants as well.
May 18th we have our first consultation with a specialist and honestly I am scared to death and thrilled all in one.. But it is hard to not think where I should be and what my/our children would be like. Weather they have mom or dad’s eyes, dimples, blonde hair… It is hard and I feel like the grieving will honestly never be over.
I honestly should not write while working because it is all over the place and I never get out everything I want to say but it is ok for now.. I have next time…
For now though watch over my angels my alligator, ill always be your crocodile
It’s been 1 year, 2 months, and 23 days…. Yet it still hurts as if it was yesterday. I haven’t done this in awhile but today.. today i picked up my phone to call you. I thought i miss you and haven’t heard your voice in awhile I almost forget what it sounds like. Insist bummer…
I am afraid. I am afraid of forgetting your voice. I am afraid of losing myself more and more again and again. I wish you were here. I wish I could get back the time I lost. The time I took for granted. The last hugs I pulled away to early because I did not think they would be my last. The not wanting to hold your hand because I am grown. I regret it. You never know what you take for granted till it is too late.
Why.. I do not understand this. I still never can understand why. Why you, why us, why our family. Why such a horrible and terrifying painful thing happened to you. I have yet to understand. Thing is I may never understand. I know i am be selfish saying I want you here with me and I do not care what I would have to do to make that happen even for a day. But you were my rock and I never thanked you enough. I never told you enough how much I love you. I never told you enough how much I looked up to you and still do. I compare people to you and it is not fair to them. It is not fair to them because no one can look up to you. No one can be you. No one can replace you. NO ONE!
I am sorry….. I miss you… And for now on I will always continue to feel like I am missing a huge part of me.. I love you so much….
Till we meet again
-Always his crocodile, please watch over me my alligator
People tell me you don’t have infertility problems because you have gotten pregnant before.. Well let me rant/vent for a second….
Infertility: infertility definition –
inability to conceive children or young:“chlamydia can cause infertility in women” ·[more]“a couple undergoing infertility treatment”
Okay so a couple undergoing infertility treatment… Guess what ding ding ding we have a unfortunate winner. I have gone thru numerous pelvic exams, blood work ending in a sore arm and bruises, numerous vaginal ultrasounds (not pleasant either), numerous times peeing in a cup, tons of pregnancy test, tons of ovulation test, a unpleasant hsg test, and doctors pushing and poking on my stomach along with so much more that is just the start of it.. So forgive me when i say i do not know how much longer i can hold my tongue when someone says you don’t have any issues… Well i have unexplained infertility so there is nothing wrong with me (or my spouse) medically but for some flipping reason i can not keep a pregnancy going that long and have needed to use clomid to get pregnant. So i just don’t know how much longer i can deal with the comments you can have another baby, at least you can get pregnant, it was god’s way of protecting you, heaven has another angel, your baby is better in heaven, time heals all wounds, i know how you feel (unless you have been thru what i have been thru), it could be worse, you should be over this by now, get over it, god doesn’t give us more then what we can handle, and so many others!
This is my life for just 4-5 days with ovulation test. It is not fun, not enjoyable, timed intercourse sucks, the passion, the enjoyment and fun is lost because intercourse becomes a task, chore, a job you can say. Under my bathroom sink there is 2 boxes of ovulation test, there is 25 ish pregnancy test, and a crap load of little plastic cups. I did not ask for this, i do not want the problems i am having to go thru to become a parent. We have been trying 4 years this past December time roughly. I deal with quite enough that i do not need to deal with others opinions. Which brings me to my second rant.
I shared a meme on Facebook that said “i keep myself busy with things to do, but every time i pause, i still think of you.”… Well my lovely sister who is 8 years older then me commented on this twice and said: ” How does this make internet before sister? Smh. Family matters, am i right? Please.” Then wrote “I know one day it’s gonna happen for you maybe when you given up one last time but i love you.”… This lite my fire soooo bad but i couldn’t answer because i would have blew up and said some horrible things online. But 1.) my sister and i do not have a close or good relationship we have literally always fought for numerous reasons 2.) why in the world would i go to my sister about my infertility and another mc when she has ABORTED A BABY! I can not live with that. That is when our relationship got bad granted it has never been that good. But she was pregnant and aborted a innocent baby for reasons that were a excuse. I would have took the child and raised it in a heartbeat! I can not look at her, speak to her, or anything the same anymore since she MURDERED her innocent baby. Do not spread your legs, miss your birth control, and not accept what happens. She was the one who laid down and had sex, she was the one who got herself pregnant, and she kills that innocent child because she screwed up and couldn’t deal with it! It is things like this that i do not know if i can hold my tongue much longer… I want to have a child of my own so badly and people like her throw it away… 😦
I just want our rainbow baby, our miracle, a child of my own soooo bad. Yes, i have god children that i love, adore, and would raise in a blink of a eye but i will still have something missing. A child of my own, our own….. I pray the second round of clomid i just recently finished last week works and i can keep the pregnancy going. I hope another child is not ripped away…..
I actually wrote this 7/29/2008 but i feel it fits kinda… Feeling stuck and wanting to break free and move forward but currently still trying to break free of everything pushing me down…
Not Ready – Ready – Go
I'm not ready I won't leave Leave the blue skies Dark nights Full moons, everything... I'm not read, are you? I'm ready for life To embrace my full appearance To do what i was meant to do I'm ready are you? Let's go Break away from this Live just to live Stare at a million stars Make a wish on one hoping Hoping it comes true We're breaking away Leaving our childish ways Embracing our new life Our new responsibilities Embracing our life to it's fullest Not ready- ready - let's go © DH