No title will fit

No title will fit

12 days.. 12 flipping days of wondering, confusion, hope, worry. I do not know how much longer I can do this. 12 days… no signs of starting and now there it is. The evil thing that women who are trying get thrown in their face. The daily reminder well no the constant reminder your body failed yet again. I willing went back on my depression medicine on my birthday a couple months ago which my doctor just double my dose. Honestly I did not want my dose to go up but at this point I probably should just deal with it until I have answers why my body is failing. The women’s body is made for this so why wont mine work properly. I am so tired of the let down, the emails with results, the bad news. Hell telling my spouse I am sorry over and over and over again. A couple has to be strong to endure this and so far it has caused distant and some fights with tears but we are still together we still love each other. This post is not going any where I want it to but that happens. I have lost friends, family to this struggle. I have grown to envy so many people and even have hatred towards them. But it is not hatred at the fact their able to have what I have wanted my entire life, it is hatred that I still have been unable to have it myself, my spouse is still unable to have what he wants as well.

May 18th we have our first consultation with a specialist and honestly I am scared to death and thrilled all in one.. But it is hard to not think where I should be and what my/our children would be like. Weather they have mom or dad’s eyes, dimples, blonde hair… It is hard and I feel like the grieving will honestly never be over.

I honestly should not write while working because it is all over the place and I never get out everything I want to say but it is ok for now.. I have next time…

For now though watch over my angels my alligator, ill always be your crocodile

No title is ever gonna be good enough

No title is ever gonna be good enough

It’s been 1 year, 2 months, and 23 days…. Yet it still hurts as if it was yesterday. I haven’t done this in awhile but today.. today i picked up my phone to call you. I thought i miss you and haven’t heard your voice in awhile I almost forget what it sounds like. Insist bummer…

I am afraid. I am afraid of forgetting your voice. I am afraid of losing myself more and more again and again. I wish you were here. I wish I could get back the time I lost. The time I took for granted. The last hugs I pulled away to early because I did not think they would be my last. The not wanting to hold your hand because I am grown. I regret it. You never know what you take for granted till it is too late.

Why.. I do not understand this. I still never can understand why. Why you, why us, why our family.  Why such a horrible and terrifying painful thing happened to you. I have yet to understand. Thing is I may never understand. I know i am be selfish saying I want you here with me and I do not care what I would have to do to make that happen even for a day. But you were my rock and I never thanked you enough. I never told you enough how much I love you. I never told you enough how much I looked up to you and still do. I compare people to you and it is not fair to them. It is not fair to them because no one can look up to you. No one can be you. No one can replace you. NO ONE!

I am sorry….. I miss you… And for now on I will always continue to feel like I am missing a huge part of me.. I love you so much….

Till we meet again

-Always his crocodile, please watch over me my alligator

Fertility, pregnancy, rainbow babies, clomid

Fertility, pregnancy, rainbow babies, clomid

People tell me you don’t have infertility problems because you have gotten pregnant before.. Well let me rant/vent for a second….

Infertility: infertility definition –

    1. inability to conceive children or young:
      “chlamydia can cause infertility in women” ·

      [more]
      “a couple undergoing infertility treatment”

     

Okay so a couple undergoing infertility treatment… Guess what ding ding ding we have a unfortunate winner. I have gone thru numerous pelvic exams, blood work ending in a sore arm and bruises, numerous vaginal ultrasounds (not pleasant either), numerous times peeing in a cup, tons of pregnancy test, tons of ovulation test, a unpleasant hsg test, and doctors pushing and poking on my stomach along with so much more that is just the start of it.. So forgive me when i say i do not know how much longer i can hold my tongue when someone says you don’t have any issues… Well i have unexplained infertility so there is nothing wrong with me (or my spouse) medically but for some flipping reason i can not keep a pregnancy going that long and have needed to use clomid to get pregnant. So i just don’t know how much longer i can deal with the comments you can have another baby, at least you can get pregnant, it was god’s way of protecting you, heaven has another angel, your baby is better in heaven, time heals all wounds, i know how you feel (unless you have been thru what i have been thru), it could be worse, you should be over this by now, get over it, god doesn’t give us more then what we can handle, and so many others!

16144127_1223550527692323_1349144427_n   This is my life for just 4-5 days with ovulation test. It is not fun, not enjoyable, timed intercourse sucks, the passion, the enjoyment and fun is lost because intercourse becomes a task, chore, a job you can say. Under my bathroom sink there is 2 boxes of ovulation test, there is 25 ish pregnancy test, and a crap load of little plastic cups. I did not ask for this, i do not want the problems i am having to go thru to become a parent. We have been trying 4 years this past December time roughly. I deal with quite enough that i do not need to deal with others opinions. Which brings me to my second rant.

 

I shared a meme on Facebook that said “i keep myself busy with things to do, but every time i pause, i still think of you.”… Well my lovely sister who is 8 years older then me commented on this twice and said: ” How does this make internet before sister? Smh. Family matters, am i right? Please.” Then wrote “I know one day it’s gonna happen for you maybe when you given up one last time but i love you.”… This lite my fire soooo bad but i couldn’t answer because i would have blew up and said some horrible things online. But 1.) my sister and i do not have a close or good relationship we have literally always fought for numerous reasons 2.) why in the world would i go to my sister about my infertility and another mc when she has ABORTED A BABY! I can not live with that. That is when our relationship got bad granted it has never been that good. But she was pregnant and aborted a innocent baby for reasons that were a excuse. I would have took the child and raised it in a heartbeat! I can not look at her, speak to her, or anything the same anymore since she MURDERED her innocent baby. Do not spread your legs, miss your birth control, and not accept what happens. She was the one who laid down and had sex, she was the one who got herself pregnant, and she kills that innocent child because she screwed up and couldn’t deal with it! It is things like this that i do not know if i can hold my tongue much longer… I want to have a child of my own so badly and people like her throw it away… 😦

I just want our rainbow baby, our miracle, a child of my own soooo bad. Yes, i have god children that i love, adore, and would raise in a blink of a eye but i will still have something missing. A child of my own, our own….. I pray the second round of clomid i just recently finished last week works and i can keep the pregnancy going. I hope another child is not ripped away…..

 

 

Not Ready – Ready – Go

Not Ready – Ready – Go

I actually wrote this 7/29/2008 but i feel it fits kinda… Feeling stuck and wanting to break free and move forward but currently still trying to break free of everything pushing me down…

Not Ready – Ready – Go

I'm not ready
I won't leave
Leave the blue skies
Dark nights
Full moons, everything...
I'm not read, are you?
I'm ready for life
To embrace my full appearance
To do what i was meant to do
I'm ready are you?
Let's go
Break away from this
Live just to live
Stare at a million stars
Make a wish on one hoping
Hoping it comes true
We're breaking away
Leaving our childish ways
Embracing our new life
Our new responsibilities
Embracing our life to it's fullest
Not ready- ready - let's go

© DH

 

 

 

 

7a44abb2d985dbb40c16eedf542171cf

♥ Baby Brown ♥ Now our angel ♥ RIP Baby ♥

♥ Baby Brown ♥ Now our angel ♥ RIP Baby ♥

Miscarriage: The spontaneous loss of a woman’s pregnancy. The most common type of pregnancy loss, miscarriages often occur because the fetus isn’t developing normally.

Pregnant.. Those amazing words you have be longing for. The moment you have a digital test blinking pregnant at you. You cant believe it so you take another, then another one all saying pregnant. Then you want to hear it from a doctor since you have longed so much for this very moment. You take a lunch break and go to the local women’s center… Pregnant… The doctors confirm you are; giving you the wonderful due date, how far you are, and a bag saying congrats with “goodies”. You schedule your first ultrasound so thrilled your finally going to be parents! It finally happened one year exactly from your last pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. Its meant to be right…. God has finally answered our prayers. Clomid and preseed combined worked! But no one is ever really prepared for what happened next.

You start telling people, your soooo excited.. then you go to the bathroom and there is blood and cramping. Your try staying positive, you try so hard. So you call the doctor and they have you come in that day. They do a pelvic exam then a vaginal ultrasound… Your walls are thickening very well everything looks really good; we will do blood work to make sure your levels are raising how they are suppose to be though. So, you feel a relief and go get your blood drawn and then wait two days to come back and get it drawn again. Call Monday for the results they say..

Monday.. You wake up about to pee your pants so you run to the bathroom and your very light bleeding has been off and on all weekend. You feel nervous about calling to get your results. But you call on your way to work and they have to call you back so you wait. A few hours later your nurse on call calls you and ask how you are. Well ill be better when you tell me my levels were okay…. Well she goes im sorry to say they decreased instead of increasing your lose your baby. Asking all these questions well can i take progesterone, is there anything i can do at all, ill do anything… She tells you ill talk to your doctor who is on call today and see what he says and have him call you back shortly. You hang up balling your eyes out and walk out of your office at work. You cant do it so you go home for the day..

Your doctor calls and tells you i’m sorry but with your levels dropping as much as they did already its out of mine and your hands. But good news is sperm made it to egg with the clomid and i’m sorry for you loss. I want you to have your blood drawn one more time and come in at 8:30 am to see me. You lose it again. Then you have to tell your hubby.. I balled my eyes out saying please don’t hate please don’t hate me!…. There is way more detail but i’m not ready to go into anything more… So now your mourning the loss of your child once again a year apart. The happiness you both felt is gone… The excitement, the joy, the smiles all of it gone…

All i can say is i miss you dearly baby Brown and i am sorry i failed you.. Please forgive mommy… You were due June 17, 2017 and i did not get to carry you long (5 weeks and two days is when bleeding really started and i knew i started losing you) but the love i have for you and your other sister or brother will never fade. I would do anything to have our babies here with us… anything at all… I didn’t know your siblings due date so this feels much harder then last time but we will never forget you and please watch over us up there in heaven with your sister or brother and your grandpa and other family. Id do anything for you and ill never give up trying to have a successful pregnancy. I will never give up trying to be a mom. I am a mom but my children are in heaven… Its a horrible feeling knowing your no longer in mommies belly being protected by me.. We will never know anything more about you, never know what it is like to hold you, nothing at all…. I am sorry i failed you. I miss you every second of everyday baby Brown with all my heart. Rest in piece angel… ♥ I cant wait for the day i will get to see your face in heaven…

Mixed emotions bad versus good

Mixed emotions bad versus good

I haven’t wrote in awhile because i can not organize my thoughts and opinions..

Well there has been good and bad lately so lets start with the bad. Honestly it’s not that bad but when you have a lot going on in your head sometimes things that normally bother you a little will bother you A LOT!

I can not stand how guys act differently in front of other guys! It is so annoying and when they are around there friends and they team up and pick on you oh my god. I mean i get it i’m easy to pick on and tease i know that. I have blonde hair to start off with and that is usually where it starts then trails on from there. But there comes a point where enough is enough and you try to stand up for yourself then your in the wrong; bullshit right. I love to joke and have fun but there are boarder lines. Then when the boarder lines are crossed you want you significant other to say hey that is enough or stop it or defend you or SOMETHING!! Then when you go to bed and your “hubby” ask what is wrong you tell them right… Nope your being over sensitive and dramatic and need to stop taking things to heart so much. This is normal relationship stuff i have been with this man for 4 years and 5 months nothing has changed in this situation. I always hear about others struggle with this as well but i don’t know how to handle it any better then i currently am. It just feels like whatever i do is never enough just never good enough or right sometimes.

NOW the good! I am on day 3 of CLOMID which is sooooo exciting and i pray it works the first try so much. lol I am a bit worried though because i started my period over a week early and its different this time then most so i pray i stop on time and this first time on clomid goes smoothly and with no complications. But its wonderful i am approved for it and on it we are very excited and hopeful! I am praying for no complications.

I am trying to find the positive in things; trying to stay hopeful as possible so i don’t worry and stress so much.

-Always his crocodile please watch over me in heaven alligator

 

 

My hero, father, My alligator, Guardian Angel-Warning i cried thru this

My hero, father, My alligator, Guardian Angel-Warning i cried thru this

61.. 61.. 61 is to young to past. This post will be one of my harder post to write…

I was 22 when my father was taken to soon from me.. Yes, he left a amazing wife, step son, other daughter older then me, sister, brother in law, nieces, nephew, grand-son, and many others but this post is about me and my amazing father.

I only got to see my father once a year from the time i turned 12. This was not because my father did not love me, this was purely because my dad went for custody of me and my mom fled with me in the middle of the night and left the only life i had ever knwn, my friends, my dogs, my “boyfriend”, EVERYTHING!!! And we spent the night in a airport with one just one suit case each and got on a plane to Ohio where my mother and I were to lived from there on. But this is not about my mother, it is not about what happened then.

Anyways, i am a HUGE Daddy’s girl more then anything in the world. My dad did no wrong ever in my eyes. He meant the world to me and i want so much to be just like him.. Well as time goes on i am more and more like him. (this makes me very happy and sad all in one, i do things and it reminds me of him…) But 2014 my dad had a heart attack but long story it was not because of his heart but a blood clot that moved and went towards his heart. He had a pulmonary embolism. The was the scariest thing of my life so i thought..I hoped on a plane a day later and went to see my father. I was there 3-4 days and he was released home and i knew he was okay so i had to return home to go back to work. He told me he was fine i did not need to come but that did not matter. I got on that plane without him knowing and walked into his hospital room to see him light up which meant everything to me..

October 2015… Worse month of my life. My father, the man i love, look up to, called when i need to cry and vent, my everything was diagnosed with non curable cancer that would kill him in 90 days or less with no treatment or 1 year with treatment…Liver cell carcinoma. It is so rare there were only 12 known cases in the English literature. Then my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 beast cancer that she is still currently being treated with.. Then I started to bleed. Tmi but a story for a different day i was having a miscarriage and did not know i was even pregnant. The weekend of the 13th i lost my unborn child and all i had was 6 positive pregnancy tests i could not tell my dying father that i was losing his first biological full blood grand baby… Daddy i know your up there spoiling our child and treating them with all the love and care in the world , please kiss my daughter/son for me…

Back to my dad, this is not about what i have endured for its nothing compared to that my father had to go thru.. I think what hurts soooooo bad is he was fairly healthy, very strong, was literally the best person i knew and damn a wonderful father. I have so many regrets but that’s another post… I was only there a short amount of time since i live 12 hours away and he insisted oh darling this is just a bump in the road i am okay you have to work, your a adult and have bills, responsibilities, and a life… Well little did we know even with my daddy’s treatment god had another plan.

I went down for my dads birthday that year 2015 the big 61! I always joked with him he was “over the hill” and sometimes i’d add and on.. That visit was hard but i wanted all the time i could with him.I would love to go into more detail but i’ve been fighting/tearing up this entire post and can not go into more detail just yet…But the after his birthday in November a month after being told he has cancer (i will never forget that phone call it was late like 10ish and him and my step mom never called past 9 unless something was wrong)…. 😦 Anyway December came i went down as we called it our last family Christmas.

The last family Christmas…. little did we know that Christmas was spent in the hospital with only days left… Now remember we were suppose to have a year with treatment, God had other plans. We arrived late and my dad didn’t come to the airport as always he couldn’t he was too sick … We got to the house and he was in bed i hugged him told him i loved him and could see the difference in just a month was more then what i was ready for. He held me and i told him to go to bed he was weak that i was home for two weeks and could spend all the time with him.. I regret that, it was the last real un-helped standing hug i received from my daddy. The next day, we went to the store and he drove his “cart” but something was not right, we got home and he was yellow, and distant, he wouldn’t eat and could not hold a bottle of water to take his pills. It was the night before Christmas eve. The doctor was called and we were told to take him in. Little did we know he would never ever come back home..

The worse feeling is being helpless as you watch a strong independent, caring, healthy besides this fucking cancer man be helpless, weak, and lose everything. I mean what man wants to have his daughter help him walk to use the bathroom.. There comes a time where the children become the care givers… I wish it on no one. After the hospital he was transferred to hospice on January 1 where he would spend what we did not know to be his last week. Yes i skipped a lot because i am balling my eyes out right now but i need to write this i need to heal some or find a common ground for myself..

In hospice i was okay in the beginning but it was all a struggle for us all… My daddy knew he would never make it home again.. The doctor had some hope the first day which gave me hope that my daddy would come home… Then the hope was gone we were told he had maybe a week to live. I was suppose to fly home in two days… I did not get on that plane. When we went home for the night ( dad said we had beds to sleep in that we were not aloud to stay he would not aloud it)… I am telling you he was still so strong for us and never really broke down but i did see him cry once i lost it. But we all held it together while in the room to not upset him anymore then what was going on. But when we went home i said i’ll see you later alligator, he mumbled … after while crocodile. This was us, our saying, our way to not say goodbye… I did not know this was also one of the last things i would ever say to my father and get a answer back.

As time went on i really mean hours to the next day the doctors said at this point we have to keep him comfortable and pretty much they sedated him so he didn’t feel anything. January 4. January 4 at 11:23 pm my father passed. Just hours before everyone said goodbye but me. I was the last one to say goodbye that i understood and i did not want him to suffer any more i told him it was okay to leave me that i would be okay, that i would make him proud of me. I told my father my strong father who was a marine that it was okay to go to heaven.  And i almost ran from the room crying my eyes out and beating myself up cause i could not stay calm enough to be in the room, i could not look at him like that anymore. Then a hour maybe hour and half later i lost my daddy. The cancer took him and i was not in the room when he took his last breathe we left and were only gone a hour if that and got the call from my sister who stayed later.. We were all running thru the motions as we went back and i walked into his room where they raised the bed up, crossed his arms and laid a lily .. my favorite flower on his chest. He looked peaceful. I sat there holding his arm and felt his body turn from warm to ice cold, i knew he was gone forever. I lost it. I punch the cabinet and didn’t feel it. I begged God why! I said i know that i said it was okay but i begged him to come back to me but he did not. God had a different plan. But i still  do not understand i may never understand but i am trying to find a way to be okay. Some days are better then others, some are worse. But i believe my daddy is watching me.. I miss my alligator.

We only had 3 months with treatment… God had a different plan i may never understand.

-Always his crocodile please watch over me in heaven alligator