12 days.. 12 flipping days of wondering, confusion, hope, worry. I do not know how much longer I can do this. 12 days… no signs of starting and now there it is. The evil thing that women who are trying get thrown in their face. The daily reminder well no the constant reminder your body failed yet again. I willing went back on my depression medicine on my birthday a couple months ago which my doctor just double my dose. Honestly I did not want my dose to go up but at this point I probably should just deal with it until I have answers why my body is failing. The women’s body is made for this so why wont mine work properly. I am so tired of the let down, the emails with results, the bad news. Hell telling my spouse I am sorry over and over and over again. A couple has to be strong to endure this and so far it has caused distant and some fights with tears but we are still together we still love each other. This post is not going any where I want it to but that happens. I have lost friends, family to this struggle. I have grown to envy so many people and even have hatred towards them. But it is not hatred at the fact their able to have what I have wanted my entire life, it is hatred that I still have been unable to have it myself, my spouse is still unable to have what he wants as well.

May 18th we have our first consultation with a specialist and honestly I am scared to death and thrilled all in one.. But it is hard to not think where I should be and what my/our children would be like. Weather they have mom or dad’s eyes, dimples, blonde hair… It is hard and I feel like the grieving will honestly never be over.

I honestly should not write while working because it is all over the place and I never get out everything I want to say but it is ok for now.. I have next time…

For now though watch over my angels my alligator, ill always be your crocodile


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