Pregnancy

I’ve wanted to be pregnant and have a baby my entire life. I’ve always wanted to be a mother more than anything.

Well here I am 26 weeks today, but unhappy. I don’t know the last time I was really happy.

I dont know the last time I felt real honest joy that lasted longer then in a certain moment.

I dont know the last time I felt this lonely, this alone, this friend less, this walked over, this lost.

I have no friends, I don’t have a loving supportive family, I don’t have people I can talk to freely and vent, I don’t have a marriage where my husband can handled my dark days. My husband handling my dark days though well dark depressed times has never ever happened.

I have no outlets, no one ask me to do anything. You know I say I’m like eeyore which is true in many many ways except eeyore even know he has dark days even know he is depressed he has friends. Not only does he have friends but he has friends that still include him and invite him places.

I cant tell you the last time I was invited somewhere or the last time someone contacted me to ask how are you want to do something soon without me contacting them first or provoking it.

Yes, this may sound like a pity party but it’s not. I just can’t keep things bottled in much longer.

How long are you suppose to feel this way. How long are you suppose to get walked over and used yet when you say something you are still the bad guy the one in the wrong.

I love this baby inside me with ever fiber of my being and the only time I’ve felt any emotion of good of any kind is when he kicks me and I feel him inside me.

I will never let my son feel what I feel even if it kills me. I pray my son doesn’t get my mental issues or his father’s mental issues. I want to give my son a happy world, a safe world. Hell I pray I’m a good mother. I believe I would be but just because I’m good with others children who says I’ll have the insists with my own.

I lost my absolute best friend this past July and I have never fully healed from it. He would always know how to help me even if it was laying in my lap.

As I lay here writing for the first time in ages tears run down my face. As I lay here this is not how I pictured my life. This is not where I expected to be.

Here’s another kicker I found out the 12 week maternity leave when I give birth is 100% unpaid. Yet another way I’m failing. I had it covered with a maternity policy I paid on for years and years well when cutting cost I cancelled it about 6 months before finding out I was pregnant. Just my luck. Oh and not only is it not paid but if I want to keep health insurance on myself during the time I have to come up with that money because I don’t qualify to be added to my husband’s health insurance per his job. At least our son will be added to his and have health insurance.

I hate feeling like a bother, like I’m in the way, like I don’t belong and I’m not welcome. I’ve back off my “check ins” on people because it felt like I was intruding.

I feel numb, dark, depressed, sad. I don’t like these feelings but it feels hopeless to change them. Maybe it will be different once I get my medicine back after birth but I found out I still can’t then if I breast feed. I have to wait till that’s done before getting it back. Well with the maternity leave unpaid I don’t really have much options so I have to and need to breast feed. Oh, there’s another kicker there to… My insurance denied me for a breast pump.

I dont know what to do anymore.