My hero, father, My alligator, Guardian Angel-Warning i cried thru this

My hero, father, My alligator, Guardian Angel-Warning i cried thru this

61.. 61.. 61 is to young to past. This post will be one of my harder post to write…

I was 22 when my father was taken to soon from me.. Yes, he left a amazing wife, step son, other daughter older then me, sister, brother in law, nieces, nephew, grand-son, and many others but this post is about me and my amazing father.

I only got to see my father once a year from the time i turned 12. This was not because my father did not love me, this was purely because my dad went for custody of me and my mom fled with me in the middle of the night and left the only life i had ever knwn, my friends, my dogs, my “boyfriend”, EVERYTHING!!! And we spent the night in a airport with one just one suit case each and got on a plane to Ohio where my mother and I were to lived from there on. But this is not about my mother, it is not about what happened then.

Anyways, i am a HUGE Daddy’s girl more then anything in the world. My dad did no wrong ever in my eyes. He meant the world to me and i want so much to be just like him.. Well as time goes on i am more and more like him. (this makes me very happy and sad all in one, i do things and it reminds me of him…) But 2014 my dad had a heart attack but long story it was not because of his heart but a blood clot that moved and went towards his heart. He had a pulmonary embolism. The was the scariest thing of my life so i thought..I hoped on a plane a day later and went to see my father. I was there 3-4 days and he was released home and i knew he was okay so i had to return home to go back to work. He told me he was fine i did not need to come but that did not matter. I got on that plane without him knowing and walked into his hospital room to see him light up which meant everything to me..

October 2015… Worse month of my life. My father, the man i love, look up to, called when i need to cry and vent, my everything was diagnosed with non curable cancer that would kill him in 90 days or less with no treatment or 1 year with treatment…Liver cell carcinoma. It is so rare there were only 12 known cases in the English literature. Then my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 beast cancer that she is still currently being treated with.. Then I started to bleed. Tmi but a story for a different day i was having a miscarriage and did not know i was even pregnant. The weekend of the 13th i lost my unborn child and all i had was 6 positive pregnancy tests i could not tell my dying father that i was losing his first biological full blood grand baby… Daddy i know your up there spoiling our child and treating them with all the love and care in the world , please kiss my daughter/son for me…

Back to my dad, this is not about what i have endured for its nothing compared to that my father had to go thru.. I think what hurts soooooo bad is he was fairly healthy, very strong, was literally the best person i knew and damn a wonderful father. I have so many regrets but that’s another post… I was only there a short amount of time since i live 12 hours away and he insisted oh darling this is just a bump in the road i am okay you have to work, your a adult and have bills, responsibilities, and a life… Well little did we know even with my daddy’s treatment god had another plan.

I went down for my dads birthday that year 2015 the big 61! I always joked with him he was “over the hill” and sometimes i’d add and on.. That visit was hard but i wanted all the time i could with him.I would love to go into more detail but i’ve been fighting/tearing up this entire post and can not go into more detail just yet…But the after his birthday in November a month after being told he has cancer (i will never forget that phone call it was late like 10ish and him and my step mom never called past 9 unless something was wrong)…. 😦 Anyway December came i went down as we called it our last family Christmas.

The last family Christmas…. little did we know that Christmas was spent in the hospital with only days left… Now remember we were suppose to have a year with treatment, God had other plans. We arrived late and my dad didn’t come to the airport as always he couldn’t he was too sick … We got to the house and he was in bed i hugged him told him i loved him and could see the difference in just a month was more then what i was ready for. He held me and i told him to go to bed he was weak that i was home for two weeks and could spend all the time with him.. I regret that, it was the last real un-helped standing hug i received from my daddy. The next day, we went to the store and he drove his “cart” but something was not right, we got home and he was yellow, and distant, he wouldn’t eat and could not hold a bottle of water to take his pills. It was the night before Christmas eve. The doctor was called and we were told to take him in. Little did we know he would never ever come back home..

The worse feeling is being helpless as you watch a strong independent, caring, healthy besides this fucking cancer man be helpless, weak, and lose everything. I mean what man wants to have his daughter help him walk to use the bathroom.. There comes a time where the children become the care givers… I wish it on no one. After the hospital he was transferred to hospice on January 1 where he would spend what we did not know to be his last week. Yes i skipped a lot because i am balling my eyes out right now but i need to write this i need to heal some or find a common ground for myself..

In hospice i was okay in the beginning but it was all a struggle for us all… My daddy knew he would never make it home again.. The doctor had some hope the first day which gave me hope that my daddy would come home… Then the hope was gone we were told he had maybe a week to live. I was suppose to fly home in two days… I did not get on that plane. When we went home for the night ( dad said we had beds to sleep in that we were not aloud to stay he would not aloud it)… I am telling you he was still so strong for us and never really broke down but i did see him cry once i lost it. But we all held it together while in the room to not upset him anymore then what was going on. But when we went home i said i’ll see you later alligator, he mumbled … after while crocodile. This was us, our saying, our way to not say goodbye… I did not know this was also one of the last things i would ever say to my father and get a answer back.

As time went on i really mean hours to the next day the doctors said at this point we have to keep him comfortable and pretty much they sedated him so he didn’t feel anything. January 4. January 4 at 11:23 pm my father passed. Just hours before everyone said goodbye but me. I was the last one to say goodbye that i understood and i did not want him to suffer any more i told him it was okay to leave me that i would be okay, that i would make him proud of me. I told my father my strong father who was a marine that it was okay to go to heaven.  And i almost ran from the room crying my eyes out and beating myself up cause i could not stay calm enough to be in the room, i could not look at him like that anymore. Then a hour maybe hour and half later i lost my daddy. The cancer took him and i was not in the room when he took his last breathe we left and were only gone a hour if that and got the call from my sister who stayed later.. We were all running thru the motions as we went back and i walked into his room where they raised the bed up, crossed his arms and laid a lily .. my favorite flower on his chest. He looked peaceful. I sat there holding his arm and felt his body turn from warm to ice cold, i knew he was gone forever. I lost it. I punch the cabinet and didn’t feel it. I begged God why! I said i know that i said it was okay but i begged him to come back to me but he did not. God had a different plan. But i still  do not understand i may never understand but i am trying to find a way to be okay. Some days are better then others, some are worse. But i believe my daddy is watching me.. I miss my alligator.

We only had 3 months with treatment… God had a different plan i may never understand.

-Always his crocodile please watch over me in heaven alligator

 

 

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Perception

Perception

Perception: a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression.

Every day we use perception; but are we really seeing things as we should or as they are?.. Or are we seeing things the way our mind is showing us.. With this being my first blog i tend to bounce around on topics then later go more in dept on every topic. I do not expect people to read my blogs but writing used to help me a lot with my depression, anxiety, emotions, and getting myself back to the person i am on the  inside…The person i want to be, so why not try it again..

My day to day struggles, fertility issues, anxiety, depression, the every day sting that my hero- my father passed away at the beginning of the year…medical bills, and normal struggles as a young adult. But you know what it could be worse… I could be homeless- I’m not, i could be told i can not carry a child- so far i have not, i could be unemployed- i’m not, i could have both my parents gone- i do not. I know it could be worse but getting myself to believe that is a whole another story. You never know what a person is going thru unless you have walked a mile in their shoes…You may think your life is worse hell I’ve even thought that of people guilty as charge but everyone handles thing in different ways depending on their own situation.

See i have already got my thoughts mixed all up.. Oh well.

Tomorrow is a busy day for me! Tomorrow i have 3 appointments. I will start my day off normal and get up and come to work but then ill leave at 12:30 pm and head to my first appointment the second most stressful, hopeful, nerve raking of the appointments. At 1:15 pm ill see Dr. William Andrew and finally get better news. I can finally tell him my medication has worked it seems. This month everything was “normal” without the provera! He said if everything worked we can start talking about my option with clomid. I suffered a miscarriage October 2015… Which will probably be a different blog today since i feel the need to write a lot today… But i have been with my wonderful boyfriend since 2012 and tmi but we have never really used protection. I have taken natural fertility pills on my own as has he… We have used different methods that are suppose to be “more successful” but all we have gotten is 6 positive pregnancy test then i am sorry there is nothing we can do…. Maybe god decided it wasn’t the right time but god do i feel ready to be a mother. Also, i know he is ready to be a father. He is so good with children, the look in his eyes when he looks at them. He has express to me how much he wants a child but for some reason something is not working in our favor. I feel like i have failed our unborn child that we so badly want, i feel like i have failed as a women, and i feel as though i failed as his girlfriend/fiance/”wifey” which i hate! But i am staying hopeful for my visit tomorrow with Dr. Andrew.

Second appointment of my day tomorrow is my regular doctor. Dr. Amanda Pummill she is very through and checks everything i really like her and she makes me feel comfortable. Although tomorrow will be very uncomfortable for me. Tomorrow will be the first time i admit to a doctor i need help with my anxiety and depression…But it needs to happen so i can get better. I may pee myself by the end of it all tomorrow.

Looking at me you would never know what i struggle with i can hide it for the most part its whatever i decide to let people see. The point of the matter is if i let you in and show/tell you what i am going thru.. If i open up to you it means a lot. But if i open up what is the perception of me you will get.. Will you think i am broken or strong.. Will you see me as needy or independent.. What you see may never be the full story. I have so much to say but i never say it. Maybe it is because i do not want the wrong impression of me to be the perception you receive.

-Always his crocodile please watch over me in heaven alligator