Miscarriage: The spontaneous loss of a woman’s pregnancy. The most common type of pregnancy loss, miscarriages often occur because the fetus isn’t developing normally.

Pregnant.. Those amazing words you have be longing for. The moment you have a digital test blinking pregnant at you. You cant believe it so you take another, then another one all saying pregnant. Then you want to hear it from a doctor since you have longed so much for this very moment. You take a lunch break and go to the local women’s center… Pregnant… The doctors confirm you are; giving you the wonderful due date, how far you are, and a bag saying congrats with “goodies”. You schedule your first ultrasound so thrilled your finally going to be parents! It finally happened one year exactly from your last pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. Its meant to be right…. God has finally answered our prayers. Clomid and preseed combined worked! But no one is ever really prepared for what happened next.

You start telling people, your soooo excited.. then you go to the bathroom and there is blood and cramping. Your try staying positive, you try so hard. So you call the doctor and they have you come in that day. They do a pelvic exam then a vaginal ultrasound… Your walls are thickening very well everything looks really good; we will do blood work to make sure your levels are raising how they are suppose to be though. So, you feel a relief and go get your blood drawn and then wait two days to come back and get it drawn again. Call Monday for the results they say..

Monday.. You wake up about to pee your pants so you run to the bathroom and your very light bleeding has been off and on all weekend. You feel nervous about calling to get your results. But you call on your way to work and they have to call you back so you wait. A few hours later your nurse on call calls you and ask how you are. Well ill be better when you tell me my levels were okay…. Well she goes im sorry to say they decreased instead of increasing your lose your baby. Asking all these questions well can i take progesterone, is there anything i can do at all, ill do anything… She tells you ill talk to your doctor who is on call today and see what he says and have him call you back shortly. You hang up balling your eyes out and walk out of your office at work. You cant do it so you go home for the day..

Your doctor calls and tells you i’m sorry but with your levels dropping as much as they did already its out of mine and your hands. But good news is sperm made it to egg with the clomid and i’m sorry for you loss. I want you to have your blood drawn one more time and come in at 8:30 am to see me. You lose it again. Then you have to tell your hubby.. I balled my eyes out saying please don’t hate please don’t hate me!…. There is way more detail but i’m not ready to go into anything more… So now your mourning the loss of your child once again a year apart. The happiness you both felt is gone… The excitement, the joy, the smiles all of it gone…

All i can say is i miss you dearly baby Brown and i am sorry i failed you.. Please forgive mommy… You were due June 17, 2017 and i did not get to carry you long (5 weeks and two days is when bleeding really started and i knew i started losing you) but the love i have for you and your other sister or brother will never fade. I would do anything to have our babies here with us… anything at all… I didn’t know your siblings due date so this feels much harder then last time but we will never forget you and please watch over us up there in heaven with your sister or brother and your grandpa and other family. Id do anything for you and ill never give up trying to have a successful pregnancy. I will never give up trying to be a mom. I am a mom but my children are in heaven… Its a horrible feeling knowing your no longer in mommies belly being protected by me.. We will never know anything more about you, never know what it is like to hold you, nothing at all…. I am sorry i failed you. I miss you every second of everyday baby Brown with all my heart. Rest in piece angel… ♥ I cant wait for the day i will get to see your face in heaven…


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