Perception: a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression.
Every day we use perception; but are we really seeing things as we should or as they are?.. Or are we seeing things the way our mind is showing us.. With this being my first blog i tend to bounce around on topics then later go more in dept on every topic. I do not expect people to read my blogs but writing used to help me a lot with my depression, anxiety, emotions, and getting myself back to the person i am on the inside…The person i want to be, so why not try it again..
My day to day struggles, fertility issues, anxiety, depression, the every day sting that my hero- my father passed away at the beginning of the year…medical bills, and normal struggles as a young adult. But you know what it could be worse… I could be homeless- I’m not, i could be told i can not carry a child- so far i have not, i could be unemployed- i’m not, i could have both my parents gone- i do not. I know it could be worse but getting myself to believe that is a whole another story. You never know what a person is going thru unless you have walked a mile in their shoes…You may think your life is worse hell I’ve even thought that of people guilty as charge but everyone handles thing in different ways depending on their own situation.
See i have already got my thoughts mixed all up.. Oh well.
Tomorrow is a busy day for me! Tomorrow i have 3 appointments. I will start my day off normal and get up and come to work but then ill leave at 12:30 pm and head to my first appointment the second most stressful, hopeful, nerve raking of the appointments. At 1:15 pm ill see Dr. William Andrew and finally get better news. I can finally tell him my medication has worked it seems. This month everything was “normal” without the provera! He said if everything worked we can start talking about my option with clomid. I suffered a miscarriage October 2015… Which will probably be a different blog today since i feel the need to write a lot today… But i have been with my wonderful boyfriend since 2012 and tmi but we have never really used protection. I have taken natural fertility pills on my own as has he… We have used different methods that are suppose to be “more successful” but all we have gotten is 6 positive pregnancy test then i am sorry there is nothing we can do…. Maybe god decided it wasn’t the right time but god do i feel ready to be a mother. Also, i know he is ready to be a father. He is so good with children, the look in his eyes when he looks at them. He has express to me how much he wants a child but for some reason something is not working in our favor. I feel like i have failed our unborn child that we so badly want, i feel like i have failed as a women, and i feel as though i failed as his girlfriend/fiance/”wifey” which i hate! But i am staying hopeful for my visit tomorrow with Dr. Andrew.
Second appointment of my day tomorrow is my regular doctor. Dr. Amanda Pummill she is very through and checks everything i really like her and she makes me feel comfortable. Although tomorrow will be very uncomfortable for me. Tomorrow will be the first time i admit to a doctor i need help with my anxiety and depression…But it needs to happen so i can get better. I may pee myself by the end of it all tomorrow.
Looking at me you would never know what i struggle with i can hide it for the most part its whatever i decide to let people see. The point of the matter is if i let you in and show/tell you what i am going thru.. If i open up to you it means a lot. But if i open up what is the perception of me you will get.. Will you think i am broken or strong.. Will you see me as needy or independent.. What you see may never be the full story. I have so much to say but i never say it. Maybe it is because i do not want the wrong impression of me to be the perception you receive.
-Always his crocodile please watch over me in heaven alligator